Ditch the Dye.....

My blog audience is flagging. So, when I sought advice from Other Half, like any good PR guy, he told me: Write something with a bit of masala.... Now I am well aware that ‘Masala’ and controversy are bedfellows. I am, on the other hand, a peace-loving, controversy-fearing kind of chap, the kind whom debates and arguments find taking shelter under a metaphorical dining table with the same speed with which my older Labrador seeks the cover of a real dining table on hearing thunder peal in the distance. But succumbing to the need of restoring my flagging blog popularity, I have attempted a masala infused post (though I confess that I have serious doubts as to the levels of its spiciness). But we all know that practice makes perfect; so I am sure that over time, the masala-metre of my posts will increase.

This one’s about whether to dye or not to dye, one’s head of hair that is.. (Or what’s left of it). With these new fangled ideas of 40 being the new 30 and 50 being the new 40 and so on and so forth, I find men refusing to grow old. Trust me gentlemen, these taglines are created by those cocky ex IIM advertising guys whose sole aim is phising at your wallets. Oh, those ads for hair dyes are clever, subtly showing this actually 20 something model (pretending to be a 40 year old) running his hands lovingly through his head full of lush, silky, deep black dyed hair while a bevy of long legged beauties make sheep’s eye at him....Bull!

Ever paid attention, actually paid attention to what a middle aged man with dyed hair looks like? Here’s an unflattering but truthful description. The typical gentleman that I am targeting is the one who has either entered the dreaded fourth decade or is already in his fifth (I am not considering those in their sixth both out a sense of deference to their age as well as the fact that if a man is confident enough to think he can fool people into thinking his hair is naturally black even in his sixties and beyond, I feel you must grant it to him.....). Age, biology and hormones have ensured that his hair is gray, if not the whole of it, then most of it. Biology has also ensured that the number of hairs on his head has diminished, usually in an unflattering empty patch at the top of his head that makes a point to draw attention to itself with its sheer luminosity. In those slightly luckier, the loss of hair is more discrete in the form of a receding hairline but in them too, the receding wave of hair has left behind a sandbank of a scalp that glistens attention to itself. Then there are the signposts of age: wrinkles. Due to the manly habit of never ever ever using umbrellas even under a noon day sun, the UVAs and UVBs and UBCs have had their play on his facial integument, leaving it crisscrossed with wrinkles, making it look like a reproduction of the Google map of the Sundarban Delta.

The above was a description of the base canvas on which the hair dye is painted on. Now, once dyed, let’s see what the effect is like. But first here’s a clarification: everyone knows that one grays as one ages, it’s a ‘Truth’ like any other ‘Truth,’ say like everyone has to die one day or that the earth revolves around the sun or something similar. When one looks at a man well past his prime, one knows and expects that he will be graying. So when he dyes his hair, the first unconscious impression that an onlooker draws is, “Achhaaaa, he dyes ......!” So what, you will say... Fine by me but you see that rather extended ‘acchaaa’ signifies many conclusions: “This chap is trying to look younger, this chap is insecure about his age, this chap is faking.......” and all of these are drawn by, mind you, female onlookers. So take note, gentlemen, take note.

Never mind these esoteric thoughts; let’s look at more earthy issues like appearances, that is, what a dyed guy actually looks like. I’ll not mince words nor will I go in for flowery descriptions, I’ll simply sum it up in a single word: incongruous. The head of artificially blackened/browned hair on that canvas of wrinkle bedecked skin is my friends, the definition of incongruity. Adding to the oddity is the fact that dyeing one’s moustache is a difficult proposition. Hence, either one leaves it gray ( adding to the comic effect of a jet black head of hair and a snow white moustache line) or one removes it completely; the latter action actually diminishing the gentleman’s SA amongst the feminine moustache fan brigade. Then arrives the time when the much dyed hairs in protest grow shining white from their roots.....resulting in black tops with white unders that scream, ”I haven’t found the time to visit my barber/saloon/salon oblique I am just saving up on the dye expenditure!”

Instead of the embarrassing portrait painted above, picture this contrasting situation: A man, middle aged or more, graying graciously, completely at ease with his age , his wrinkles and his gray hair, secure in the knowledge that his gray hairs do not define him, rather his demeanour, his carriage, his achievements, his humility and his experience  do....! He knows youth is just a passing phase, a brief tumble in the hay, the real ‘Life’ starts only later .....as they say the best is yet to come. A man such as this does not waste time and money on trifles such as hair dye. Think Amitabh Bachchan in his present day avatar, the modern day Sean Connery or better still Daniel Craig...Umm dishy!

So ditch the dye, pals and followers and see your oomph factor rise....And keep me posted on the progress.

PS: The above advice is only for the men. Women, please continue to do just as you please because this post was meant for middle aged or older men and we women never age beyond 26!