Shorts-II:Of What-Nots on WhatsApp

This one's another 'Short', the much better sounding title I've given to the little scribbles I come out with now and then, typing them on my cell-phone itself.

A brand new year is just round the corner and this last week, I find most denizens of this world looking back to the year they’re leaving behind. With my own year having heavily tipped on its scales to the side of the ‘not-so-good’, I’m pretty relieved and happy to leave old 2016 behind. But then when I read a news headline that had declared 2016 as the 'Year the World Accepted Violence', I felt a little sad for the poor year....! Imagine, having to be remembered thus!

I'm as usual side tracking, something I am sure ‘The Golden Girl’ will remind me the moment she reads this post. What I really wanted to say was that though 2016 has not been very nice to me, it did do something to redeem itself in my eyes. You see, 2016 has been the ‘Year of the WhatsApp’ for me. And so when I read that bit about it being the year the world accepted violence, I thought, poor thing, let me lessen its pain by telling you how WhatsApp in 2016 managed to make the past 12 months more bearable for me. So this post is actually a paean of sorts to WhatsApp.

I am a dogmatic kind of a creature, as I must have told you often and I abhor change of any nature. The Android phones I think had just hit the Indian market way back in 2013 (though I’m really bad with dates and datelines and it’s quite possible that my facts are wrong!) and though I was loathed to part with my little Nokia black and white cell phone set with its delicious monotones, it was nicked as I travelled in a bus in my homeland. After procrastinating the buying of a new handset for nearly 3 months and then being forced to purchase one by my then long-suffering boss, I finally acquired a Java Nokia Asha 303. With a coloured touch-screen, poly-tones, a camera and a QUERTY key pad, it was like the moon for me.

Around mid 2013, the venerated ‘Modem', on coming to know that I had acquired a ‘modern’ phone, began persuading me, ‘WhatsApp पर ‘आ जाओ....Aibee!' But me being the change-resisting-moron that I was (how I didn’t resist the change in the handset is still a mystery for me too), I had not been the slightest bit interested then, retorting cheekily, ‘Modem, यह किस चिड़िया का नाम है?’ But Modem, being Modem, was not in the least impressed with my cheek nor put off by it. She sent me the link nevertheless; but I being the bullhead that I am, did not click on it.

Well, it then so happened that one day, while I was fiddling with my scintillating hot new Java, the app downloaded itself, on its own it seems (and I'm still not sure how, probably out of sheer disgust at my bullheadedness.....)!!!!!! Though I ranted a little then, ineffectively of course, at these new fangled data-stealing-cyber-spying Apps, I have to confess to you- I have since, been caged by this WhatsApp चिड़िया.................!

I remember fondly of my first few days as a newbie with this App. While trying to create a 'broadcast list', I recall how I mistakenly created a 'WhatsApp Group' of widely disparate contacts from my phone-book and then when most them began wondering aloud online who the others were with a resultant embarrassing minor comedy of errors, I remember spending nearly a whole day apologising to everyone individually, my unaccustomed thumb aching with so much one-finger mobile qwerty typing. Of course, realising the difference between a group and a broadcast list, I post-haste deleted the group, much to the chagrin of two contacts, complete strangers to each another, who were colouring my cell screen with some cute on-cell flirting.

That was nearly three years back. I have of course, now graduated with honours as a WhatsApp user and can expound at length on diverse and knotty issues such as the pros and cons of disabling 'Auto Correct' Baba, the nuanced difference between a 'Group' and a ‘Broadcast List’, about deciphering the language of the Ticks like a seasoned empath, gauging their mood based on their colour and if asked, can even give a whole MS Power Point presentation on the unsaid rules and etiquette of the WhatsApp world.

Amongst the three most widely used cyber world social media platforms in India i.e. Twitter, Facebook and WhatsApp, I'd place my money on the last, any day. I'm quite confident that it must be the most popular.

Twitter, you see, is a dangerous arena inhabited by newly evolved violent mutants like the Nationalists, the Secularists, the Pseudosecularists, the Trumpists, the Arnabists, the Barkhaists and many others of similar (or dissimilar, if you will) species and subspecies, some still not studied enough to be classified in the appropriate category of the Animal Kingdom. Twitter, therefore, though full of adventure, is not for the timid like me.

Facebook, on the other hand is more like this family-reunion-venue kind of thing where you share bits of yourself with your comrades and undercover competitors, adequately washed, airbrushed and lipsticked of course!!!! The grammar of Facebook is quite different. Unlike the violent profanity that de-humanises Twitter quite often, in complete contrast, Facebook (generally) is sanitised  and sweet, full of ‘thumb raises’, ‘deep red hearts’ and superlatives like ‘Wow’ ‘Awesome’, and ‘Super’ greeting your worst-in-lifetime snaps, even the one where you look like a hippo having a bad hair day..............! So it’s a make-believe kind of world, where you’re given to think that the other chap’s life consists of unending parties, anniversaries, birthdays, foreign holidays and generally resounding success in all things they have put their hands to. Tends to give one a severe heartburn, if you know what I mean.......!

WhatsApp is an evil of severity that lies between these two. It's private but it can be kind of public too, though not to the extent of Twitter which I think is more like being naked in a circus ring.  Its USP is that its handy and instant, the main reasons why it's such a favourite of mine and millions of others. It's actually so handy that in the coming year, you'd probably see people getting christened, married, divorced and cremated on WhatsApp.............!!!!!

And of course the fact that it lets you nag and stalk your long suffering victims (contacts) easily and effectively is just part of its charm.

There's another reason why I'm so fond of WhatsApp. It's those Emojis. They're simply divine. Even for someone as profusely verbose as me, these little faces convey emotions like never ever, standing-in so beautifully when words seem inadequate or unavailable. In fact, I've become so enamoured of them that at times, I find myself wishing I could add Emojis instead of words to my blog, to my telephone conversations and even to my office correspondence...........! They would then read something like this:-

“This policy directive is forwarded to you for your information and strict compliance please 😝.” - (meaning, though I'm sending this letter to you, I myself don't believe in its moronic contents; so if you do consign it to the dustbin, be my guest.........!!!!!)

Then there is the wondrous thing called the ‘DP’. I consider the DP to be my playground. As I was telling Swasti the other day, if your life is not changing its course the way you wish it would and you cannot do a thing about it, change your DP. It will be comforting and cathartic or both depending on the kind of DP you have put up.

Not to say, WhatsApp does not have its problems. Because it allows for interactions at a very personal level but is after all, only an indirect form of communication, not one done face-to-face, often intent and meaning get lost or distorted in transmission, resulting in not-to-pleased-with-you acquaintances. It tends to happen to me pretty often because I’ve got this propensity to ‘Foot-in-Mouth' disease...but then, ‘Kya karen, I’m like this only.........! And another thing: again, because it communicates at an extremely personal level, the danger of inadvertently overstepping the thin Lakshman Rekha into the realm of the over-familiar and the improper also looms large. And trust me  on this : I know, because I’ve done it.

Then of course, being handy and 24x7, it can be pretty intrusive at times. I remember the time when every morning at six sharp, this well-meaning soul would wake me up with a ‘Good Morning’ message containing an overdose of saccharine pink flowers that got my gall and badly......................! And, being the rude thing that I am with a severe allergy to pink flowers at six am, I patiently bore the pain for about three days and then on the fourth, blocked the creature.......!

Though I was able to deal with the issue of intrusion, there’s one thing I’m still not able to remedy and that is the problem that come with WhatsApp's “instant’ messaging feature. I think this problem is peculiar to me and that to, only because of Other Half. You see, he has interpreted this ‘instant messaging’ thing to mean not just instant messaging but instant compliance and instant action on orders sent from overseas on WhatsApp to his poor, long-suffering wife. I’m still trying to work out a solution to this one because you see, ‘blocking’ is not a viable option in this case...........!

But all said and done, WhatsApp has been wonderful. How else would you describe a computer programme that was able to bring together seventy-two jaded 45 year old women and get them to connect with each other once again, simultaneously, daily, breaking the silence of twenty seven years; and not just that, but to return them once again to being giggling schoolgirls in pony and plait, chattering non-stop as if those three decades had never come between them?

The creators and owners of WhatsApp must have made a lot of money and must still be making more. But even though I am a closet socialist, for once I don’t grudge these software selling capitalist types their cash.  Actually I’d like to say, “Jeete raho WhatsApp vaalon.....May your user base increase........”

👌👌👌👌👍👍👍👍